I’ve become a shadow walking by my own body
Watching, analyzing, dissecting my every move
And when eye start to see the real me finally starting to shine through
It is when I’m all alone in my room
The music turned up as loud as it can go
Writing random things, wearing random things
Not worrying about what other people think
Rebelling against the traditional mindset
Setting stones against the world for protection…
But then eye see myself with them,
The people I consider my friends, compadres,
I become a different person, ready to please the world
Eye am coming back to me to change it all around
I won’t smile in pictures, I’ll just make a goofy face
I’ll wear an entirely black outfit when I feel like it
I won’t be afraid to argue with you till the sun comes down
I’m going to keep fighting for what I know is right
I won’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me
I won’t make your mistake a second time
I won’t let my real friends slip away like water
I won’t let them think I’ve forgotten, even if I know they have
I’m still going to wear heels, even if it means towering over you
I’ll paint my nails whatever color fits my mood
I’ll mismatch my clothes, its called creativity, not blindness
I’ll screw around with my hair; it won’t be anything but messy
I won’t buy new makeup; they all come off, get over it
I won’t try and get a tan or stay out of the sun; it will simply follow me
I’m going to keep pestering you for testing your limits, and then allowing them to change
I won’t stop doing anything to suit the general opinion
I won’t start anything either
And I absolutely won’t let myself revert back to this façade I’ve been living
It hurts too much to watch
3.24.2009
Boggle
I remember playing a game in elementary school called Boggle. To be perfectly honest, I don't remember how to play. I know I shook a box full of letters and tried to see how many words I could find but I'm not entirely sure if that's how it was intended to be played.
But what is truly mind blowing, is how life can be a lot like this boggle game. Something happens, your whole world gets turned upside down, shaken, and then the pieces fall back into some chaotic but puzzle-like manner. And then you must learn to deal with the change.
The only problem is that sometimes that change, that reversal of all you thought to be true and good in the world, can be extremely difficult to accept or tolerate. And I'm not talking about the death of someone or the loss of a job; I'm talking about the things that happened years ago and still affect your mind and heart daily. Yes, the loss of a loved one is heartbreaking, but can you control death? No. Can you control that CEO who decided you weren't good enough for a promotion? Not really. (Well, you can try I suppose.)
The change that happens because of human fallibility is what is undeniably, well, annoying. And being reminded of that boggling experience over and over again takes a toll.
Today, a friend reminded me to remember all of the blessings in my life. I might not have the perfect life I always thought, but I have my family, and friends. This is all well and good, but it's way easier said than done.
I am thankful for everything I have or don't have, and a lot of times, I realize the change that happened in my life ended up being for the best. But I can't help and see what I've lost in the process.
I wish I could take that Boggle game and shake it again, to make the pieces fall back where they were, but then what words would be left?
Routine.
Temptation.
Stray.
Updated 2 hours ago · Comment · Like
But what is truly mind blowing, is how life can be a lot like this boggle game. Something happens, your whole world gets turned upside down, shaken, and then the pieces fall back into some chaotic but puzzle-like manner. And then you must learn to deal with the change.
The only problem is that sometimes that change, that reversal of all you thought to be true and good in the world, can be extremely difficult to accept or tolerate. And I'm not talking about the death of someone or the loss of a job; I'm talking about the things that happened years ago and still affect your mind and heart daily. Yes, the loss of a loved one is heartbreaking, but can you control death? No. Can you control that CEO who decided you weren't good enough for a promotion? Not really. (Well, you can try I suppose.)
The change that happens because of human fallibility is what is undeniably, well, annoying. And being reminded of that boggling experience over and over again takes a toll.
Today, a friend reminded me to remember all of the blessings in my life. I might not have the perfect life I always thought, but I have my family, and friends. This is all well and good, but it's way easier said than done.
I am thankful for everything I have or don't have, and a lot of times, I realize the change that happened in my life ended up being for the best. But I can't help and see what I've lost in the process.
I wish I could take that Boggle game and shake it again, to make the pieces fall back where they were, but then what words would be left?
Routine.
Temptation.
Stray.
Updated 2 hours ago · Comment · Like
3.20.2009
Disillusionment
It has come to my attention that pain, any type, has amazing effects on an individual's behavior. And I do not mean amazing in any positive way, in case you misunderstand. It cages the body, disillusions the mind, restricts the heart; and in the process, I believe the spirit of a person is lost, at least temporarily, because the pain essentially dictates one's life.
It is an extremely painful, pun intended, phenomenon to witness and the effects are devastating even to the viewer. If one breaks a leg, the pain is in that portion of the leg and maybe in surrounding regions. But this is not the kind of pain I am referring to. I'm talking about the kind of pain that is permanently engraved in your life. Whether it is a terminal illness like cancer, or a disease that took months or even years to fight off, it takes a toll.
I have a few friends that would fall under these different categories but I will only use two as examples so that your eyes don't feel too weary after reading this. For privacy's sake their names are Sue and Jan.
Sue was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months after having her first child. Her baby daughter was a bundle of joy, but Sue could barely smile knowing that sooner or later, she would never be able to hold her baby in her arms again. It was a devastating time for Sue and her family and friends, for every moment was spent coddling her daughter or crying on the chest of her husband, feeling as though the cancer was making her too weak to move on and enjoy the time left on Earth.
Jan’s story is quite different. At the age of 13 she began to have stabbing, aching, searing pain running through her arms and legs. Over time, the pain became increasingly worse, giving her stomach issues, heart issues, and even the daily migraine. With every doctor unsure about the cause of neither this tremendous problem nor an idea about how to treat it, Jan’s enthusiastic and fun-loving spirit started to wane. School was out of the picture 4 out of the 5 days, church was simply a place to go out of habit rather than need or desire to, and it became harder and harder to hang out with her friends.
In both cases, the friends and family of these two women saw a change not only in the ladies’ actions and behavior, but also in their personality and life-long goals. Obviously, when one is struck with this immense burden, one should come to the realization that the time left should be spent wisely and to the benefit of oneself. While it takes a different amount of time for each individual case to finally appreciate that, the people on the outside are feeling a different sort of pain – one that has no physical effects, but leaves emotional and spiritual scars.
Watching a loved one’s life deteriorate before their eyes is an experience I would wish on no one, and yet eventually we all come across it. Personally speaking, I can pray and help out as much as humanly possible and nothing happens. It’s as if the heavens have closed and my actions have no bearing on this person’s life.
So, I guess my question is: what next? What does one do, regardless of whether they are the one in pain or not, when all hope has vanished like the sun in the dead of night?
It is an extremely painful, pun intended, phenomenon to witness and the effects are devastating even to the viewer. If one breaks a leg, the pain is in that portion of the leg and maybe in surrounding regions. But this is not the kind of pain I am referring to. I'm talking about the kind of pain that is permanently engraved in your life. Whether it is a terminal illness like cancer, or a disease that took months or even years to fight off, it takes a toll.
I have a few friends that would fall under these different categories but I will only use two as examples so that your eyes don't feel too weary after reading this. For privacy's sake their names are Sue and Jan.
Sue was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months after having her first child. Her baby daughter was a bundle of joy, but Sue could barely smile knowing that sooner or later, she would never be able to hold her baby in her arms again. It was a devastating time for Sue and her family and friends, for every moment was spent coddling her daughter or crying on the chest of her husband, feeling as though the cancer was making her too weak to move on and enjoy the time left on Earth.
Jan’s story is quite different. At the age of 13 she began to have stabbing, aching, searing pain running through her arms and legs. Over time, the pain became increasingly worse, giving her stomach issues, heart issues, and even the daily migraine. With every doctor unsure about the cause of neither this tremendous problem nor an idea about how to treat it, Jan’s enthusiastic and fun-loving spirit started to wane. School was out of the picture 4 out of the 5 days, church was simply a place to go out of habit rather than need or desire to, and it became harder and harder to hang out with her friends.
In both cases, the friends and family of these two women saw a change not only in the ladies’ actions and behavior, but also in their personality and life-long goals. Obviously, when one is struck with this immense burden, one should come to the realization that the time left should be spent wisely and to the benefit of oneself. While it takes a different amount of time for each individual case to finally appreciate that, the people on the outside are feeling a different sort of pain – one that has no physical effects, but leaves emotional and spiritual scars.
Watching a loved one’s life deteriorate before their eyes is an experience I would wish on no one, and yet eventually we all come across it. Personally speaking, I can pray and help out as much as humanly possible and nothing happens. It’s as if the heavens have closed and my actions have no bearing on this person’s life.
So, I guess my question is: what next? What does one do, regardless of whether they are the one in pain or not, when all hope has vanished like the sun in the dead of night?
Looking Down
Whispers of pain float through the muddy puddles in my eyes
Drops of rain tap the floor in quick rhythmic beats of my heart
The vapors slowly embarking on a new journey outside of me
Dying quickly due to bitter conditions and such a sudden part
Hands quivering from the knowledge of loneliness
Muscles rigid and inflexible, forcing me to clench my fingers
Steps quicken with each movement, attempting to run away from memories
But the warmth of your voice and touch still lingers
My desire for you has not yet vanished
Even through the anger and irritation that runs through me
My character flaws have led me to this point of no return
Where the rollercoaster ride has come to a halt at the peak
There is no where to go at this point, no mode of escape
For fear of breaking myself I refuse to jump from such a high place
But your impenetrable silence is causing my heart to rupture
As the thousand mile run we must complete becomes a race
Drops of rain tap the floor in quick rhythmic beats of my heart
The vapors slowly embarking on a new journey outside of me
Dying quickly due to bitter conditions and such a sudden part
Hands quivering from the knowledge of loneliness
Muscles rigid and inflexible, forcing me to clench my fingers
Steps quicken with each movement, attempting to run away from memories
But the warmth of your voice and touch still lingers
My desire for you has not yet vanished
Even through the anger and irritation that runs through me
My character flaws have led me to this point of no return
Where the rollercoaster ride has come to a halt at the peak
There is no where to go at this point, no mode of escape
For fear of breaking myself I refuse to jump from such a high place
But your impenetrable silence is causing my heart to rupture
As the thousand mile run we must complete becomes a race
Heartbeats
Apparently tomorrow is Egyptian Mother's Day & I found a poem I wrote a couple years ago for mother's day so... it seemed appropriate :)
Place your hand over your heart and listen to the silent beats
Each one gently calling for your watchful concentration
Think about your life, whether extensive or not
And take these subtle facts into consideration
Each pound of the heart resembles a characteristic your mother possesses
The many gifts God granted her from the moment she thought of bringing life to this world
The numerous qualities we overlook day to day because we’re caught up in our own lives
But one day of the year, when these blessings suddenly become unfurled
Firstly, God gave her strength, to carry you in her womb for nine months straight
To bear the burden of your presence when times were getting rough
To carry the weight of your transgressions as though her own
And to hold on to you as though her life depended on it, even when she’d had enough
She was given patience, to teach you the early steps of existence
The mere act of smiling when you had reached the goal in crawling
To point you in the right path when she saw you swaying with the tide
How to climb the ladder of life and do so without the fear of falling
She was granted understanding; to help you deal with the aches and pains
She knows the tricks the mind plays to make one feel insecure
Even when you don’t say a word, she understands what’s in your heart
She has wisdom to know the right thing to say and the awareness to know the cure
But lastly, God gave her the most precious gift that encompasses each and every one
The one thing that can conquer all malevolence and malice that should ever strike one’s heart
She has it under lock and key, safely stored for only her children to receive
In droves, the love for her child runs deep and existed in her being from the very start
Remember, with each passing heartbeat, that God gave your mother these precious things
But He gave each one of us the most heartwarming and amazing gift of the combinations
A strong woman who patiently understands our every want and need
A mother who loves us and cares for us as we attempt to pass on her legacy to future generations
Place your hand over your heart and listen to the silent beats
Each one gently calling for your watchful concentration
Think about your life, whether extensive or not
And take these subtle facts into consideration
Each pound of the heart resembles a characteristic your mother possesses
The many gifts God granted her from the moment she thought of bringing life to this world
The numerous qualities we overlook day to day because we’re caught up in our own lives
But one day of the year, when these blessings suddenly become unfurled
Firstly, God gave her strength, to carry you in her womb for nine months straight
To bear the burden of your presence when times were getting rough
To carry the weight of your transgressions as though her own
And to hold on to you as though her life depended on it, even when she’d had enough
She was given patience, to teach you the early steps of existence
The mere act of smiling when you had reached the goal in crawling
To point you in the right path when she saw you swaying with the tide
How to climb the ladder of life and do so without the fear of falling
She was granted understanding; to help you deal with the aches and pains
She knows the tricks the mind plays to make one feel insecure
Even when you don’t say a word, she understands what’s in your heart
She has wisdom to know the right thing to say and the awareness to know the cure
But lastly, God gave her the most precious gift that encompasses each and every one
The one thing that can conquer all malevolence and malice that should ever strike one’s heart
She has it under lock and key, safely stored for only her children to receive
In droves, the love for her child runs deep and existed in her being from the very start
Remember, with each passing heartbeat, that God gave your mother these precious things
But He gave each one of us the most heartwarming and amazing gift of the combinations
A strong woman who patiently understands our every want and need
A mother who loves us and cares for us as we attempt to pass on her legacy to future generations
3.17.2009
Destruction of Perfection
A story I wrote in High School:
I watch the leaves pass over the clear blue water slowly turning a shade of orange due to a setting sun. Even the sun seems to know my deed while it hangs low behind the horizon as though depressed and disappointed in me. But I refuse to respond to the beauty calling my name aloud. A different sort of beauty appeals to me - one of loud screams and red blood wafting into my senses. The rush of hearing the last gasp of breath gives me the most exhilarating and enticing feeling I could ever dream of. My blood crashes from my beating heart through every vein in my body with such force, it's hard to breathe. And after it's done, I sit staring through the woman's blank eyes, shaking. My body rocks in place as I start laughing hysterically. The sound of my voice echoes through the empty room, only containing a bed and a box of knickknacks I pick up in my adventures; necklaces that I eventually throw into a lake along with their owners. My conscious reverts back to the present time and I realize this lake I am standing at the edge of is burning red versus the orangey color it was before. It's been done once more and with the same amount of prestige as any other time. Perfect.
And yet the trees mock me and pierce the surface of the water with their branches as though threatening to turn me in. I must remember to cut those trees down… they'll be my downfall. And yet everything that surrounds this lake witnesses my acts of splendor and does nothing except swing in the bitterly cold wind. The wind pushes my deeds to the other side of the lake so that some unsuspecting victim will come across it. The small fish and other creatures beneath the surface must have one delicious feast each day… I don't envy them but rather feel the connection. It's what keeps us animals moving…fresh flesh.
I walk back to the cabin in search of some wood to burn in the fireplace until I get back from a new hunt but I'm scared the long, strengthening arms of these great oaks will swipe at my face in anger. They see so much and endure much pain I'd imagine as I cut off wood for my own purposes and hurting an innocent living being. Oh well. There are more important things to busy myself with…
As I walk through the streets filled with crowds of gossiping families and groups of friends, I feel the usual surge of energy rush into my veins. The prowler in me has released itself among the hundreds of innocent victims, waiting for that special one to walk by. The perfect candidate to be chosen to witness the most spectacular thing they can imagine: the destruction of a desired perfection. My fantasies run away with me as a beautiful brunette walks by. Her name, age, occupation, family life information, anything one would want to know in a civilized conversation, is unnecessary to me. As long as her voluptuous body can ease my aching heart…And there she is…the one that will bring peace to my mind tonight.
I slowly walk towards her, watching her smooth, long brown hair slide gracefully back and forth across her back. Her heels click against the cement in obvious urgency. I have always wondered why women wear heals if it slows them down but I don't complain. They seem to make the woman's calves flex, reflecting the sun's radiance in the light crevice of muscle that bulges ever so slightly. My knees rapidly lose strength as I watch her walk across the quad. I'm only gazing upon the back side of her full being and already I can't wait for tonight. When my hormones will be put to the test, and then let go until tomorrow. Somehow she will see that being perfect should not be the focus of society. Having the perfect body does not make you any more sensual than one that does not. She will see. I will make her see. And when she does, it will be the last thing she ever makes out with her naked eye.
Slowly the sun is bidding a gracious farewell to earth as we all collectively welcome the moon with open arms. Night. The image of perfection in my mind. Balls of gas burning thousands of miles away and yet still shedding light on those they know nothing of. I have followed this woman throughout the entire city, waiting for her to get home, so that I may act as the stars and shed some light on her mind. They will all know my name soon enough.
Finally, after much toil with my thoughts as to how I was going to capture this woman, I have her in my possession. No one will ever know how she disappeared as I leave no traces behind. My gentle nature with her in the beginning made sure she made no sound and could not slyly call anyone. Genius, I know. Now, she is lying on the bed, looking quite peaceful and with a strange expression on her face. Almost smiling but…maybe I'm just imagining things. Anyways, time to get to work. First things first… I need to find a knife of some sort and a piece of coal to rip apart the flawlessness of this creature as I take the pleasure from her too. What can I say, I'm a man. I need satisfaction in my life and physical satisfaction is my middle name.
"Where am I??" The woman's awake. It is time for the fun to begin.
"You are in my humble home, under my rules, and at my leisure." I always start out that way. "If you attempt to run away, which you won't have time to do, believe me, it won't be pretty."
"What do you want with me? WHO ARE YOU??" This woman's brain seems to be malfunctioning; she wants to know what I'm going to do before knowing who the hell I am. She must be frightened. Good.
"My identity shall not be known to you, and what I'm going to do will be simple to understand once you look about the room. Firstly, look at your own body. It's bare. I plan to have my way with you if that's ok?"
She didn't answer. I just laughed at my own joke, who would ask their victim if it's ok to go on with the plan? NO ONE. Hilarious.
"Anyway, that's only part of it. As you display you're your splendors of sexuality, I will be using this piece of coal that lies in my hand, which will momentarily be heated, to slowly bake the surface of your skin. When the wounds are deep enough, and your energy has completely run out, I will start the old art of amputation. A leg, arms, whatever I think is necessary to the demise of your blatantly portrayed excellence. And then you'll slowly bleed to death the last few moments of your life, as I watch the last stages of the destruction of perfection finally come to a remarkable end. Any questions?"
"Yes. Why are you doing all of this to me?" SHE style="mso-spacerun: yes" why. WHY?! DID I NOT JUST TELL YOU!?!
"Women like you seem to think that physical beauty is everything; that every part of your body needs to be perfect. Look at me. I'm far from "perfect", in fact most people would call me giant or fatso or whatever they choose to spit out. Yet my appearance hides my true nature of…"
"Your evil nature! Someone will catch you someday!" She needlessly interrupted me. This is ridiculous; I refuse to speak to this woman any longer. I will just ignore anything else she says until I am finished heating this piece of coal. That bitch, trying to psych me out, make me thing I'll get caught. Like hell I will.
"Are you listening to me, you evil bastard?!"
"No."
"You're a twisted son of a --"
"Stop. Right now. If you say one more word, your punishment will be greater."
She stopped talking. Finally, silence. The only thing making noise in the room now is the cackling of the fire, wordlessly displaying the chuckle rising in my lungs. Once more, my deed will be done with the utmost perfection. TRUE PERFECTION.
*********
A small boy in the next room was playing in the castle he built by himself when he heard a bloodcurdling scream. A woman, he sensed, had just been viciously torn to pieces. He slowly got up, walked a few steps down the hall, and peered into the room.
The woman's skin looked like a marshmallow over an open fire. Burnt to the point where skin was peeling off in all directions. Her chocolate brown eyes were bulging from their sockets and her mouth still wide open after screaming. It seemed as though the shock of the situation had just hit her square in the face. The boy's father began to cut the woman's fingers off as he gazed intently upon her flawless facial features. The woman looked down and instantly fainted upon witnessing this horrific scene. He began to saw at other limbs until the bed was weighing down with the hefty amount of blood that had seeped into its seams. When he finished, he tilted her head to the side, unclasped the chain that lay limp upon her neck, and placed the necklace in the palm of his hand. He looked around at his son and smiled.
"Fine work father. You will be rewarded in due time for your good deeds."
I watch the leaves pass over the clear blue water slowly turning a shade of orange due to a setting sun. Even the sun seems to know my deed while it hangs low behind the horizon as though depressed and disappointed in me. But I refuse to respond to the beauty calling my name aloud. A different sort of beauty appeals to me - one of loud screams and red blood wafting into my senses. The rush of hearing the last gasp of breath gives me the most exhilarating and enticing feeling I could ever dream of. My blood crashes from my beating heart through every vein in my body with such force, it's hard to breathe. And after it's done, I sit staring through the woman's blank eyes, shaking. My body rocks in place as I start laughing hysterically. The sound of my voice echoes through the empty room, only containing a bed and a box of knickknacks I pick up in my adventures; necklaces that I eventually throw into a lake along with their owners. My conscious reverts back to the present time and I realize this lake I am standing at the edge of is burning red versus the orangey color it was before. It's been done once more and with the same amount of prestige as any other time. Perfect.
And yet the trees mock me and pierce the surface of the water with their branches as though threatening to turn me in. I must remember to cut those trees down… they'll be my downfall. And yet everything that surrounds this lake witnesses my acts of splendor and does nothing except swing in the bitterly cold wind. The wind pushes my deeds to the other side of the lake so that some unsuspecting victim will come across it. The small fish and other creatures beneath the surface must have one delicious feast each day… I don't envy them but rather feel the connection. It's what keeps us animals moving…fresh flesh.
I walk back to the cabin in search of some wood to burn in the fireplace until I get back from a new hunt but I'm scared the long, strengthening arms of these great oaks will swipe at my face in anger. They see so much and endure much pain I'd imagine as I cut off wood for my own purposes and hurting an innocent living being. Oh well. There are more important things to busy myself with…
As I walk through the streets filled with crowds of gossiping families and groups of friends, I feel the usual surge of energy rush into my veins. The prowler in me has released itself among the hundreds of innocent victims, waiting for that special one to walk by. The perfect candidate to be chosen to witness the most spectacular thing they can imagine: the destruction of a desired perfection. My fantasies run away with me as a beautiful brunette walks by. Her name, age, occupation, family life information, anything one would want to know in a civilized conversation, is unnecessary to me. As long as her voluptuous body can ease my aching heart…And there she is…the one that will bring peace to my mind tonight.
I slowly walk towards her, watching her smooth, long brown hair slide gracefully back and forth across her back. Her heels click against the cement in obvious urgency. I have always wondered why women wear heals if it slows them down but I don't complain. They seem to make the woman's calves flex, reflecting the sun's radiance in the light crevice of muscle that bulges ever so slightly. My knees rapidly lose strength as I watch her walk across the quad. I'm only gazing upon the back side of her full being and already I can't wait for tonight. When my hormones will be put to the test, and then let go until tomorrow. Somehow she will see that being perfect should not be the focus of society. Having the perfect body does not make you any more sensual than one that does not. She will see. I will make her see. And when she does, it will be the last thing she ever makes out with her naked eye.
Slowly the sun is bidding a gracious farewell to earth as we all collectively welcome the moon with open arms. Night. The image of perfection in my mind. Balls of gas burning thousands of miles away and yet still shedding light on those they know nothing of. I have followed this woman throughout the entire city, waiting for her to get home, so that I may act as the stars and shed some light on her mind. They will all know my name soon enough.
Finally, after much toil with my thoughts as to how I was going to capture this woman, I have her in my possession. No one will ever know how she disappeared as I leave no traces behind. My gentle nature with her in the beginning made sure she made no sound and could not slyly call anyone. Genius, I know. Now, she is lying on the bed, looking quite peaceful and with a strange expression on her face. Almost smiling but…maybe I'm just imagining things. Anyways, time to get to work. First things first… I need to find a knife of some sort and a piece of coal to rip apart the flawlessness of this creature as I take the pleasure from her too. What can I say, I'm a man. I need satisfaction in my life and physical satisfaction is my middle name.
"Where am I??" The woman's awake. It is time for the fun to begin.
"You are in my humble home, under my rules, and at my leisure." I always start out that way. "If you attempt to run away, which you won't have time to do, believe me, it won't be pretty."
"What do you want with me? WHO ARE YOU??" This woman's brain seems to be malfunctioning; she wants to know what I'm going to do before knowing who the hell I am. She must be frightened. Good.
"My identity shall not be known to you, and what I'm going to do will be simple to understand once you look about the room. Firstly, look at your own body. It's bare. I plan to have my way with you if that's ok?"
She didn't answer. I just laughed at my own joke, who would ask their victim if it's ok to go on with the plan? NO ONE. Hilarious.
"Anyway, that's only part of it. As you display you're your splendors of sexuality, I will be using this piece of coal that lies in my hand, which will momentarily be heated, to slowly bake the surface of your skin. When the wounds are deep enough, and your energy has completely run out, I will start the old art of amputation. A leg, arms, whatever I think is necessary to the demise of your blatantly portrayed excellence. And then you'll slowly bleed to death the last few moments of your life, as I watch the last stages of the destruction of perfection finally come to a remarkable end. Any questions?"
"Yes. Why are you doing all of this to me?" SHE style="mso-spacerun: yes" why. WHY?! DID I NOT JUST TELL YOU!?!
"Women like you seem to think that physical beauty is everything; that every part of your body needs to be perfect. Look at me. I'm far from "perfect", in fact most people would call me giant or fatso or whatever they choose to spit out. Yet my appearance hides my true nature of…"
"Your evil nature! Someone will catch you someday!" She needlessly interrupted me. This is ridiculous; I refuse to speak to this woman any longer. I will just ignore anything else she says until I am finished heating this piece of coal. That bitch, trying to psych me out, make me thing I'll get caught. Like hell I will.
"Are you listening to me, you evil bastard?!"
"No."
"You're a twisted son of a --"
"Stop. Right now. If you say one more word, your punishment will be greater."
She stopped talking. Finally, silence. The only thing making noise in the room now is the cackling of the fire, wordlessly displaying the chuckle rising in my lungs. Once more, my deed will be done with the utmost perfection. TRUE PERFECTION.
*********
A small boy in the next room was playing in the castle he built by himself when he heard a bloodcurdling scream. A woman, he sensed, had just been viciously torn to pieces. He slowly got up, walked a few steps down the hall, and peered into the room.
The woman's skin looked like a marshmallow over an open fire. Burnt to the point where skin was peeling off in all directions. Her chocolate brown eyes were bulging from their sockets and her mouth still wide open after screaming. It seemed as though the shock of the situation had just hit her square in the face. The boy's father began to cut the woman's fingers off as he gazed intently upon her flawless facial features. The woman looked down and instantly fainted upon witnessing this horrific scene. He began to saw at other limbs until the bed was weighing down with the hefty amount of blood that had seeped into its seams. When he finished, he tilted her head to the side, unclasped the chain that lay limp upon her neck, and placed the necklace in the palm of his hand. He looked around at his son and smiled.
"Fine work father. You will be rewarded in due time for your good deeds."
Climbing Through Windows
Written long ago:
A multitude of angels cried that cold night eight years ago
The day that had seemed like any other, had only been a show
For that night, my best friend, the one I confided everything in
Was subjected to the worst possible kind of end
Unaware of what was to befall him the following night
He slept soundly in his bed, free of any fright
Awoken by the sound of garbage trucks, he arose
Out of under the warm blankets without another doze
Steadily walking, afraid to wake anyone out of sleep
He crawled through his window and jumped into the deep
Landing on the soft ground, he quickly moved on
Arriving at another window, across the empty lawn
Beams of light shone through the glass, she was awake
Dressed to rebel and have fun, ready for what was at stake
That night the crickets and birds sang songs of joyous tunes
The sun set in deep regret while the planets revolved around their moons
Regardless of the risks they were taking by being awake that late
The two friends didn’t let anything get in the way of their play date
They had planned to be together until someone else took a midnight roam
The following night however, the boy did not return to her home
The girl finally fell asleep after waiting for hours and hours
Only to be awoken by the door bell and a room filled with flowers
Suddenly frightened the girl arose with such speed and ran to the door
A woman stood patiently outside, tears welling in her eyes and dropping to the floor
Without saying a word, she quickly handed her another bouquet
And the girl stood staring at her for a few minutes as she scampered away
Confusion and frustration penetrated the young one’s heart
As she searched for the answers with which no one would part
She left the house and walked a few feet to the next door
Rang the bell once, twice and waited some more
Her friend’s mother finally answered her call and opened the gate
A box of Kleenex in one hand and the other trying to wipe away fate
At last it hit the girl like a ton of heavy red bricks
This was something she could not ever even try to fix
The little boy with whom she had so much fun
Had left his home, his life had ended. Done.
Depression filled her heart and mind as she pushed away everyone who cared
Anger and despair overcame her and forced her to do what no one else had dared
All of the flowers the family received as gifts of grievance
Were thrown away and replaced with toys that displayed adolescence
She wanted her best friend to live and see life after elementary school
All the people they saw in television shows that seemed so cool
But that was never going to happen and the only way to make up for it
Was to demonstrate to him what he would have had if he hadn’t split
How could God separate two children in that horrible way?
To take one up to heaven and leave the other astray?
It was so hard after He took you away from me, life was never the same
We had always thought life would take us places, but it was just a game
I miss you so much and hope to see you very soon
Because I can’t live without the memories becoming my tune
I love you so much and your love to me I lack
But a multitude of angels cried that night, and told me you’d come back.
A multitude of angels cried that cold night eight years ago
The day that had seemed like any other, had only been a show
For that night, my best friend, the one I confided everything in
Was subjected to the worst possible kind of end
Unaware of what was to befall him the following night
He slept soundly in his bed, free of any fright
Awoken by the sound of garbage trucks, he arose
Out of under the warm blankets without another doze
Steadily walking, afraid to wake anyone out of sleep
He crawled through his window and jumped into the deep
Landing on the soft ground, he quickly moved on
Arriving at another window, across the empty lawn
Beams of light shone through the glass, she was awake
Dressed to rebel and have fun, ready for what was at stake
That night the crickets and birds sang songs of joyous tunes
The sun set in deep regret while the planets revolved around their moons
Regardless of the risks they were taking by being awake that late
The two friends didn’t let anything get in the way of their play date
They had planned to be together until someone else took a midnight roam
The following night however, the boy did not return to her home
The girl finally fell asleep after waiting for hours and hours
Only to be awoken by the door bell and a room filled with flowers
Suddenly frightened the girl arose with such speed and ran to the door
A woman stood patiently outside, tears welling in her eyes and dropping to the floor
Without saying a word, she quickly handed her another bouquet
And the girl stood staring at her for a few minutes as she scampered away
Confusion and frustration penetrated the young one’s heart
As she searched for the answers with which no one would part
She left the house and walked a few feet to the next door
Rang the bell once, twice and waited some more
Her friend’s mother finally answered her call and opened the gate
A box of Kleenex in one hand and the other trying to wipe away fate
At last it hit the girl like a ton of heavy red bricks
This was something she could not ever even try to fix
The little boy with whom she had so much fun
Had left his home, his life had ended. Done.
Depression filled her heart and mind as she pushed away everyone who cared
Anger and despair overcame her and forced her to do what no one else had dared
All of the flowers the family received as gifts of grievance
Were thrown away and replaced with toys that displayed adolescence
She wanted her best friend to live and see life after elementary school
All the people they saw in television shows that seemed so cool
But that was never going to happen and the only way to make up for it
Was to demonstrate to him what he would have had if he hadn’t split
How could God separate two children in that horrible way?
To take one up to heaven and leave the other astray?
It was so hard after He took you away from me, life was never the same
We had always thought life would take us places, but it was just a game
I miss you so much and hope to see you very soon
Because I can’t live without the memories becoming my tune
I love you so much and your love to me I lack
But a multitude of angels cried that night, and told me you’d come back.
Asphyxiation
Smiles on unrecognizable faces
A scissor in hand ready to clip my wings
Expectations rise & I’m required to rise with them
The irony dripping from my bleeding back
I stare out the window knowing deep down
It’s all wrong
Dark clouds filled with self-serving power eclipse the sun
Ridding my world of all hope for a better future
The sadness within me rises to the surface
Boiling and effervescing against the inside of my heart
As the tears come out of a wounded soul
My body is torn apart, piece by piece
Leaving nothing but a weak and flat spirit
Unable to break free and return to happiness
A rare and lost commodity in this obscurity we call life
But all of this raging emotion is undetected
And denied by those who instigate the pain
Blinded to the anger welled up within me, I wait
For the right time, the perfect moment to let loose
Release all demons and then turn my back
On this life I am merely present for, not truly living
That day…that second… will be the pinnacle of my strength
The declaration of my independence,
A release from this suffocation
And the start of something new
A scissor in hand ready to clip my wings
Expectations rise & I’m required to rise with them
The irony dripping from my bleeding back
I stare out the window knowing deep down
It’s all wrong
Dark clouds filled with self-serving power eclipse the sun
Ridding my world of all hope for a better future
The sadness within me rises to the surface
Boiling and effervescing against the inside of my heart
As the tears come out of a wounded soul
My body is torn apart, piece by piece
Leaving nothing but a weak and flat spirit
Unable to break free and return to happiness
A rare and lost commodity in this obscurity we call life
But all of this raging emotion is undetected
And denied by those who instigate the pain
Blinded to the anger welled up within me, I wait
For the right time, the perfect moment to let loose
Release all demons and then turn my back
On this life I am merely present for, not truly living
That day…that second… will be the pinnacle of my strength
The declaration of my independence,
A release from this suffocation
And the start of something new
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