Freedom

High school. I've been thinking a lot about it recently; not because I miss those times (though sometimes I feel as if the four whole years spent in one place could have been used better and there were definitely some good times), but mainly because I know quite a few people in high school who say things that bring me back a few years, to the times when I thought about the future and how I wanted it to be.

The main thing I craved was freedom. I wanted to be able to walk out of my house and back in whenever I wanted, without the constant burden of informing my parents or asking for permission about everything. That simple act however translated into something much bigger, that I've only noticed in the past few months.

I wanted to stop caring. Stop thinking about how my actions effect others so that I could be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. In essence, I wanted to be heartless.

I've seen countless times since then, that freedom, in its entirety, is not possible. There is no way to have freedom if you have a heart.

Now that I live about an hour away from home, by myself, I don't have my parents on my back about when I leave or come back but I still have other people in my life - people I care about so much and would do anything for. I see how my actions, no matter how small to me, have large impacts on those around me.

Sometimes I feel that the amount of love I have for people makes my own heart tear; I want to give them everything, or do anything for them, but feel empty at the same time, as though I don't have anything to give in the first place.

It's a confusing situation, one that obviously needs a lot of contemplation, but that makes me see how juvenile I was in high school. And even at the beginning of college.

Freedom is what you make of it, but to possess it in its full form is to throw away your heart, your love, your life.

Victim of Guilt

It started to drizzle on the windows a few years back
When it became apparent that loyalty and trust were hard to come by
My perception of the world dimmed as the sun hid behind clouds
Leaving the world more dreadful to my naked eye than before

I grew up, put a few years of experience under my belt
And the sun started to shine through the haze in pieces
Slowly allowing me to see a brighter world
Even among the destruction and sorrow raging around me

Before long I realized I had simply lost my eyesight
Blinded by my forced naïveté
And then it started pouring down rain
Eventually buckets of ice fell, tearing apart the newly sewn seams of my heart

It’s a tragedy when an individual has barely seen the sun
When she has become accustomed to a constant hailstorm
Unable to believe what she sees or hears because the sun is no longer shining
Colors are no longer brightly visible but in dull existence

I supposed this is simply a call out to those who have been victimized
To those who have lost their faith in humanity
There are still loyal and trustworthy people in the world
Yes, extremely difficult to come by, but they exist and are in hiding

[Hiding for the sake of their own hearts and souls, testing you in the same way]

And to those who have caused hearts to crack or completely shatter
It is time to pick up the pieces and become the person you were created to be
Or else face the consequences of pure emptiness and despair
Along with the weight of the world plastered against you