Freedom

High school. I've been thinking a lot about it recently; not because I miss those times (though sometimes I feel as if the four whole years spent in one place could have been used better and there were definitely some good times), but mainly because I know quite a few people in high school who say things that bring me back a few years, to the times when I thought about the future and how I wanted it to be.

The main thing I craved was freedom. I wanted to be able to walk out of my house and back in whenever I wanted, without the constant burden of informing my parents or asking for permission about everything. That simple act however translated into something much bigger, that I've only noticed in the past few months.

I wanted to stop caring. Stop thinking about how my actions effect others so that I could be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. In essence, I wanted to be heartless.

I've seen countless times since then, that freedom, in its entirety, is not possible. There is no way to have freedom if you have a heart.

Now that I live about an hour away from home, by myself, I don't have my parents on my back about when I leave or come back but I still have other people in my life - people I care about so much and would do anything for. I see how my actions, no matter how small to me, have large impacts on those around me.

Sometimes I feel that the amount of love I have for people makes my own heart tear; I want to give them everything, or do anything for them, but feel empty at the same time, as though I don't have anything to give in the first place.

It's a confusing situation, one that obviously needs a lot of contemplation, but that makes me see how juvenile I was in high school. And even at the beginning of college.

Freedom is what you make of it, but to possess it in its full form is to throw away your heart, your love, your life.